What Is Paternal Postpartum Depression?

When a family welcomes a new baby, much attention is given to the physical and emotional changes experienced by the mother. However, little is known about the psychological burden on fathers. Paternal postpartum depression (prenatal and postpartum depression in fathers) is not uncommon. According to a meta-analysis by Rao et al. (2020), approximately 7–9% of fathers experience depressive symptoms after the birth of their child, peaking at 9.23% within 3 to 6 months postpartum. While paternal postpartum depression is not as widely recognized as maternal postpartum depression, it can be a serious issue for both the family and the father himself.

Psychological counseling does not aim to diagnose or treat depression, but feeling mentally exhausted, anxious, or lonely in daily life is something anyone can experience. This article explores the psychological burdens that fathers often face and highlights the importance of self-compassion in addressing these challenges.

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Rising Psychological Burden on Fathers

With the increasing number of dual-income households, fathers’ participation in childcare has become an expectation rather than a choice. While there are growing efforts to encourage paternal leave, many fathers still face challenges such as:

• Unchanging work demands: After returning from parental leave, the workload often increases suddenly.
• The difficulties of childcare: Despite their efforts, fathers may struggle when their child does not respond as expected.
• Social expectations and pressure: Fathers feel the need to be a “good employee” at work, a “good husband” at home, and a “good father,” creating overwhelming pressure.
• Feelings of isolation: Some fathers compare themselves to others, thinking, “Other fathers seem to balance work and family well, but I can’t.”

When these factors accumulate, fathers can feel overwhelmed, leading to mental exhaustion.

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Surviving the Nights of Childcare

Although I do not remember my early childhood, my mother once told me about my father’s behavior. She said he was the type who would say, “I have work tomorrow! Make the baby stop crying and keep it quiet!” My mother had no choice but to take the fussy baby outside, rocking them under the night breeze until they finally fell asleep before bringing them back inside.

When I became a father, I wanted to support my wife, who had to wake up every few hours to feed the baby. I would hold the baby in another room, rocking and singing lullabies to help them sleep so my wife could rest. Once the baby finally slept, I gently placed them beside my wife and went back to bed.

However, not everything went smoothly. There were nights when the baby arched their back, cried uncontrollably, and refused to sleep even after 30 minutes of rocking. I often found myself holding a crying baby, feeling utterly helpless.

As these sleepless nights continued, I gradually lost my sense of emotional balance. Fatigue lingered during work hours, making it hard to concentrate. The exhaustion became chronic, making me more irritable and affecting my communication with others.

Even when others showed concern—saying, “You must be exhausted”—I would think, “I’m a father, I shouldn’t complain about this.” This belief made it difficult to seek support, leading to further isolation.

When you start wondering, “When will the baby stop crying? When will I get to sleep?” or “How will this affect my work tomorrow?”, it becomes harder to relax, leading to accumulated fatigue and mental strain. Over time, this can place a significant burden on both the mind and body.

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The Importance of Self-Compassion

To manage these challenges, adopting a self-compassionate approach is essential. Self-compassion, a concept developed by Kristin Neff, emphasizes treating oneself with kindness, acknowledging shared human struggles, and being mindful of emotions. It consists of three core elements:

1. Self-kindness – Instead of criticizing yourself for struggling, practice self-acceptance and warmth.
2. Common humanity – Recognizing that struggles in parenting are universal, rather than seeing them as personal failures.
3. Mindfulness – Observing emotions without suppressing or over-identifying with them.

For example, if you feel like “Other fathers seem to handle parenting better than I do,” practicing self-compassion involves shifting that thought to “I am doing my best, and I don’t have to be perfect.”

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The Courage to Seek Support

Fathers should not have to carry the burdens of childcare alone. Support can come in many forms:

• Sharing responsibilities: Communicate with your partner and divide childcare tasks.
• Seeking psychological support: Consider counseling or joining support groups for fathers.
• Practicing self-compassion: Acknowledge your limits and avoid pushing yourself too hard.

Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. At Ōkurayama Counseling, we provide support for fathers dealing with childcare and family concerns. Please do not hesitate to reach out—no one should have to face these challenges alone.

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References

• Rao, W. W., et al. (2020). Journal of Affective Disorders, 263, 491-499.
• Kristin Neff. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Yellow Kite.