“Daddy, I am ◯◯◯ [Nationality]!” When he was small, my child, who has roots overseas, used to say this with a carefree smile. For him, the foreign culture and language he encountered at home were likely just a natural part of his own “story.”
However, after he started attending a Japanese public elementary school and turned eight, the words coming from his mouth changed one day. “Because I’m Japanese…” When I heard those words, rather than feeling relief as a Japanese father, I felt a twinge of sadness and a moment of bewilderment, wondering, “Will his precious roots disappear?”
This is a change that many parents of children with foreign connections experience. However, viewed from the perspective of psychology and development, this is a wise “survival strategy” unique to them, and proof of very resilient growth.
The “Gang Age” and the Desire to Belong
Around age eight corresponds to the “Concrete Operational Stage” in Piaget’s developmental stages. It is a time when logical thinking grows, and children become able to objectively compare themselves with others. At the same time, they enter the “Gang Age” (the era of peer groups), where bonds with school friends become stronger than those with parents. In this period, when the desire to belong—”I want to be the same as my peers”—rises intensely, identifying as “Japanese” like those around him is a display of high adaptability, allowing him to survive in society with peace of mind.
Identity is a “Story” and a “Right”
Here, there is a theory that supports us parents. Psychologist Dan McAdams’ concept of “Narrative Identity” explains that identity is not a fixed fact, but a “story” one weaves oneself. If it is a story, it is only natural that it can be rewritten if the environment changes.
Also, from the perspective of “Social Constructionism,” reality is created within relationships. For him right now, the most real reality within his relationships with school friends is “himself as a Japanese person.”
Furthermore, please recall the words in Maria P. Root’s “Bill of Rights for People of Mixed Heritage.”
“I have the right to identify myself differently in different situations.” “I have the right to define my identity myself.”
Your child’s words are not forced by anyone, but are a rightful exercise of a “right” that should be respected—a choice he made himself. Identity is something that continues to “generate”; it is progressive, yet correct at every single moment. Like dance or music, the essence lies in the movement itself.
Neither a “Transition” nor a Preparation Period
When a child’s words change, we adults tend to think, “He is just lost in the middle of a process,” or “This is just a preparation period until his identity solidifies.” We tend to treat the current state as a “stepping stone for the future.”
However, that is slightly different. When he once said, “I am [Nationality],” that was his undeniable truth and the “Goal (Correct Answer)” of his development at that time. And now, he says, “I am Japanese.” This is also a perfect “Goal (Correct Answer)” for him, perfectly adapted to his current environment.
If he leans right, right is the correct answer. If he then leans left, this time left is the correct answer. He is not swaying unstably.
Every Moment is the Shimmer of a Kaleidoscope
These are a series of “optimal solutions” derived from facing the world of that moment earnestly. It is just like a kaleidoscope: every time it turns, no pattern is the same, yet every moment reveals a beautiful, “completed pattern.”
That is why what is required of us parents is not to rush them by saying “Decide on an answer quickly,” nor to treat their current figure as temporary, thinking “It will settle someday.” We must accept the child before our eyes not as “preparation for the future,” but as a “completed form, here and now,” with respect.
“So that is who you are now. That is your correct answer for today.”
We must simply continue to acknowledge their figures and words of each moment as a completed form. I believe that such a parental gaze is exactly what nurtures the resilience in children to live proudly, no matter where they are.
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